[sic] Magazine

New ”wonder” drug totally ineffective against gunshot wounds.

The results from trials of the new “wonder” drug Atryptosol, described by its founder as a “cure for all ills” have finally been published by the British Medical Association and have been ranked as some of the most unsuccessful in recent medical history.

The trials took place at Salford General hospital. Victims of gangland shootings, after being rushed into A&E on an NHS trolley, would be divided into three groups. One group was given Atryptosol. The second took a placebo drug, which looked a little bit like a Smartie, and the final group received no medical assistance whatsoever.

The results have caused dismay among senior clinicians and people who work in pharmacies the length and breadth of Britain. Brian Thompson, who oversaw the study, admitted, “We had high hopes for this drug, but what we actually found was that the survival rates for patients in the three groups were no different. All the people died “


Thompson, who holds a PhD in Biomedical Engineering from Belbury Poly, refuses to be downbeat about the experiment and claimed last night that, “there was probably something wrong with the formula “ and that it “just needed a little tweaking.“

“We are planning a second study for later in the year, but the new police initiative on combating gun crime has been very successful and has reduced the number of people being brought to us in a bad way. Alas, from a purely selfish perspective, what we could really do with is a new turf war and a subsequent string of casualties, shots to the head, pancreas, liver, and spleen, that kind of thing. Although, I would be the last person to suggest that young people should carry guns, or post menacing videos of themselves on Youtube wielding shooters. That said, it does make you look kinda sexy and nobody is going to mess with your ass when you’re carrying a piece.”

Many medical scientists have questioned the efficacy of treating gunshot wounds with pills that you swallow. Jeff Swanson, a Senior Medical Technician at the London Royal General, was dismissive of the methods employed at the Salford General, not to mention the overall hygiene.

“This isn’t rocket science. A gunshot wound is a gunshot wound, pure and simple. Thompson is simply barking out of his arsehole.”

Kebab trauma

Meeanwhile, the latest victim of gangland violence was named as sixteen year-old Jason Cummins of the East Street Posse, who was gunned down by an unknown assailant, after purchasing a kebab in the early hours of Sunday morning. His headmaster, Alan Johnson, of All Saints School, Flixton, declined to pay tribute to him when interviewed at a firing range in nearby Didsbury. He described the boy as “utterly feckless” and “especially shit at Maths”. According to Johnson, “It was an intolerable situation where his grades were having a detrimental effect on the school average,” he said, taking aim at a human-sized target fifty metres away. “It was only a matter of time before someone popped a cap in his ass.“

Cummins’ blood still stains the kerbstone outside the kebab shop, a poignant reminder of the loss of a young life, although it could just as easily be chilli sauce.

[sic] Magazine is 99% certain that readers will understand its, shall we say, distancing, from Gary Stanton’s own particular viewpoint.