[sic] Magazine

Editorial – smoking risks (and records)

Marlboro are facing a fresh legal challenge, this week, after the horse who worked on their iconic ‘Marlboro Cowboy’ commercials claimed his lung cancer is a result of passive smoking. The horse, known simply to the cast and crew as ‘Brian’, lacks medical insurance and is hoping to win a substantial payout.

Marlboro have reacted angrily to the suggestion that their cigarettes were to blame and will produce several equine witnesses who claim that, when Brian was a colt, he would hang out with other colts recklessly smoking untipped cigarettes ‘because it made him look hard’.


Brian hopes to highlight the dangers posed by passive smoking and is calling for smoking ban to be extended to the great outdoors, including ‘large ranch-style developments’. Comparisons have been made with the case of Roy Castle, former presenter of ‘Record Breakers’, who developed cancer after playing the trumpet early in his career, in smoke-filled bars where somebody forgot to leave a door open.

Doubts still linger as to the true cause of Castle’s illness, following rumours that one of his death bed requests was for twenty Regal King Size. On hearing this, Brian snorted derisively:

‘What nonsense! Roy has been a huge inspiration to me in my fight and I used to watch his show ‘Record Breakers’ religiously.’ He added:

Coin trick

‘Talking of records, as a party trick many years ago, I managed to fit eight hundred 10p coins underneath my foreskin, although – to be fair – I am a horse. You won’t read about that in the Guinness Book of Records.’

Speaking through a medium, Roy Castle gave his verdict on Brian’s attempt:

“If, as suggested, it’s the older, much larger 10p coins not the modern slimline variety then, yes, I can confirm – that is definitely a record. That makes Brian a cancer-stricken, passive-smokin’, foreskin-tamperin’ record breaker!”

In a sign that the horse is losing his courageous battle with the disease, Brian was admitted to hospital last night, where his condition is said to be ‘stable’.

All items in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof. No animals were harmed during the writing of this piece.