[sic] Magazine

British tourists to stay in Amsterdam despite pavement deaths

First year student, Anthony Dowling, yesterday became the 100th British tourist killed or seriously wounded in Amsterdam this year by improvised roadside devices or ‘bicycles’ as they are more commonly known.

Dowling, who won a scholarship to Keele University and was fairly popular among fellow students, was exiting Smokies café after a day spent in the Red Light district when he failed to estimate the speed of an incoming bicycle. He died of a punctured lung whilst muttering something about Kafka that later turned out to be incorrect.

Dowling’s mother, Suzie, last night spoke of her sorrow on hearing the news:

‘Ever since he was a young boy it had always been Anthony’s ambition to visit Amsterdam and, you know, wander around a bit. That he spent his eighteenth birthday as high as a kite on skunk weed before blowing his beans up some skank makes us so proud as parents. It’s how he would have wanted it.’

The government, last night, came under growing pressure to pull tourists out of the city in order to avoid further fatalities. Thus far, they have sought a policy of active engagement with the Dutch and hoped to win the battle of hearts and minds. In a statement released yesterday Defence Secretary, Liam Fox, called upon the city’s gorgeous firm-arsed residents to ‘slow down a bit’ and to cease their policy of deliberately targeting gormless British tourists.

Heart-breakingly beautiful Amsterdammers meanwhile remain blond and unrepentant, claiming that bicycles represent an excellent, environmentally-friendly means of travelling from A to B and that occasional punctures, though a pain in the fucking arse, are a price worth paying. They point out that, in all previous incidents, the deceased tourists were given ample warning to get out of the way through the use of a bell attached to the front of the bike and that riding faster makes their hair trail behind them in a dazzlingly hypnotic fashion, especially when caught by the sunlight. Oh God.

Labour believe they have spotted an Achilles heel and accused the government of acting like twats over the situation.

'lethal killing machine'

Shadow Defence Secretary, Bob Ainsworth, said: ‘This is the one hundredth death and, as such, is so much more important than all the other deaths from a points scoring angle. It’s also psychologically significant in that 100 is a nice round number, easy to divide by other numbers unlike 43 or 72 for that matter. Although 8 goes into 72 doesn’t it? So yeah , let’s get our boys back home before we get to, say , 200. Perish the thought.’

The bicycle involved in the collision sustained some superficial damage, though three spokes are said to be beyond repair and the handlebars don’t look quite right somehow.

~All items in this article are fictitious, and are intended as parody, satire or spoof. Any resemblance to persons living or dead or lying by the side of a canal coughing up blood is entirely coincidental , so there.~