[sic] Magazine

Welsh F.A. to appoint ‘Cthulhu’ in senior management role.

The Welsh Football Association, having ousted John Toshack, is in advanced talks with the cosmic entity known as Cthulhu or “the thing that cannot be described” after UEFA chiefs agreed the name ‘does look a bit Welsh’ and that it probably had a great aunt who once ran a driving school in Prestatyn.

The move follows Wales’ 1-0 thrashing by European titans Montenegro and Toshack’s admission that he is unable to concentrate on ninety minutes of a football match without lapsing into bawdy fantasies involving Cerys Mathews out of Catatonia and a packet of leek-flavoured prophylactics.

Facing an uphill struggle to qualify from a group which contains Bulgaria, Switzerland and a bunch of overrated prostitute-shaggers, Welsh “football experts” believe they have unearthed definitive proof of a link to the country on a Wikipedia page which states “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn” , roughly translated as “In his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”

They claim there can be no doubt that the town described as R’lyeh is none other than popular North Wales shit-hole “Rhyl”, though cannot confirm whether the creature ever visited the state-of-the-art Sun Centre, suggesting it may have been deterred by the exorbitant parking fees or the spectacle of teenage skanks openly copulating in the olympic-sized swimming pool.

A spokesman for the WFA said: ‘It’s all well and good for the England team to employ a foreign coach and given that we’ve already been told to piss off by Ryan Giggs, I can’t see the problem with hiring a being who probably doesn’t exist independently of the mind of some long-dead delusional racist from Rhode Island. ’

An agent said to represent Cthulhu last night denied reports that the unspeakable one had anything to do with Toshack’s nightmarish visions in which he is enticed back stage by singer Mathews, who performs a brief rendition of the 1997 hit ‘Road Rage’ before revealing herself to be a gigantic quivering winged octopus with a filthy accent just as Toshack is about commence a long, drawn-out and sometimes painful orgasm.

Although difficult to pin down its exact physical appearance, experts believe the creature can take many forms such as a giant squid, a swirling mist or TV weather girl Sian Lloyd. And pundits were quick to point out that standing around in a dense fog having abuse hurled at you is no different from an average November afternoon at the Millennium stadium.

‘While none of us can agree on a precise spelling of Cthulhu, otherwise knows as The Great Old One, we’re hiring primarily him for his grotesque appearance, his ability to strike abject terror into players and our conviction that he is the person/thing most likely to tell Craig Bellamy to shut the fuck up without fearing the consequences. ‘ said Martyn Williams, a senior WFA representative, adding:

‘It’s either him or Tom Jones if we’re honest’

~All items in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof.~