Rip It Up And Start Again
First of all let’s hand our warm congratulations to Duffy on her Brit Awards success. Although, if I was going to write an album I wouldn’t have called it “Rock Ferry”. I’d have probably gone for “Lower Heswall”. It’s not so much the Brit Awards that have been making the news this week as British Serial Killers. Due to it’s relatively small land mass, it’s said that in Britain you are never more than ten feet away from a serial killer. Or is it a rat? It’s one or the other and I can’t be bothered to check. Serial killers are often deeply unpopular with the general public due, in part, to the fact that they kill people. Nowadays, in Britain at least, SK’s are locked away behind bars to prevent them from attacking the people. Only very occasionally are they allowed out to make film appearances, like in that one starring the sheep and Jodie Foster.
 the DVLA have introduced the “Theory Test”, a multiple choice style quiz, designed to prevent stupid people from being allowed on Britain’s roads. It hasn’t succeeded. </p>
<p><em>Here’s a sample question </p>
<p>What is the correct speed for driving a car in a built up area ? </p>
<p>a) 70 mph </p>
<p>b) 50 mph </p>
<p>c) 30 mph </p>
<p>d) 5 mph, with the passenger window wound down </em></p>
<p>You can already see the pitfalls of a test like this. The correct answer is c) 30 mph. Those of you who answered <em>a)</em> or <em>b)</em> need to slow down. If you hit a child at either of those speeds she’s unlikely to come back from the dead like in those shock-tactic adverts. Bring back Tufty the Squirrel ads, I would suggest. This placed the reponsibility squarely on the child, leaving motorists free to drive like madmen. It also warned of the danger’s of ice-cream vans. The ice-cream van where I grew up was especially dangerous as it was driven by a pederast. On the plus side the 99’s were reasonably cheap, even if the whole experience left you with an unsightly messall over your face. By the way, those of you who answered <em>d)</em> might want to as yourselves some probing questions like, “when was the last time you renewed your car insurance? And is there a hammer in the boot of your car?</p>
<p>Focusing now on public reaction – how is the person in the street to be prepared for Peter’s imminent release? It’s customary around these times for one of the tabloids (in the absence of having bribed a screw</b> to snap a picture on their mobile phones of the killer slopping out</b> </b> ) to use their pages to do a “mock up”, basically a picture of how he might look thirty years after committing the crimes, usually a good deal less attractive than when in murderous prime. Here [SIC] magazine has provided you with some help courtesy of our own crude mock up. Bear in mind, we don’t have sophisticated ageing software at out disposal, not yet anyway. I knocked this one up using Windows Paint during my lunchbreak. </p>
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 are notoriously lazy, incompetent, overpaid and unwilling to make house calls. Say what you like about Harry Shipman – he never shyed away from making house calls. And as incompetent as they might be, even I can’t believe that Shipman would miscalculate the dosage of heroin required in over two hundred instances. </p>
<p>Something fishy? You bet. Are you a conspiracy theorist? Try this on for size. What happened was this – probably. Imagine you are Head of Regional News, responsible for covering factory closures, retiring lollipop ladies and nightclub stabbings. You yearn for the days when you had a good juicy serial killer story to lead on. The day’s when the show’s ratings were at their highest. When viewers would jam the switchboards after seeing a lorry driver finish off a bacon sandwich too quickly in a Little Chef. Then a call comes in – a body has been found in a canal. Your heart skips a beat. This is it, you think, this could be the big one. You’re almost dewy-eyed with nostalgia for a good old-fashioned killing spree. Your luck’s not in, however. Investigations reveal a suicide note, detailing how the victim had been ridiculed by close friends at a dinner party after daring to suggest that some Vernon Kaye’s TV work was “alright actually”<br />
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Too bad eh? It just won’t do. Ratings are on the slide. You call everyone in for a crisis meeting. You pitch your idea. A crazed GP, with plentiful stock of Heroin, supplies patients, thereby cutting out the middleman. Only recalling a vicious matriarchal figure, again probably, he goes too far. You throw it up the flagpole and see who salutes. All you get back are blank stares. Nobody is saluting. </p>
<p>Nigel and Jenny, two inexperienced journos are the first to raise objections. They’re uncomfortable with the idea and let you know in no uncertain terms. </p>
<p><em>“Would you rather we lead on that fucking Basset Hound who gave birth to octuplets in Chorley”</em> you bellow . </p>
<p><em>“Of course not”</em> says Nigel, his eyes rolling. <em>“Duuuh – that’s a no-brainer”,</em> he ventures. He’s a twat. </p>
<p><em>“Then take a tent up to a nearby cemetery, set it up near one of the graves under cover of darkness, and wave some flashlights around.” </em></p>
<p><em>“I don’t even own a tent “</em>, Nigel protests, <em>“Let alone do I know how to set one up!”</em> </p>
<p><em>“Stop your fucking bleating! There’s a tent in the basement. Diane Oxberry used it to cover the Leeds/Reading Festival last year. There’s still a bit of mud on it and a Neds Atomic Dustbin sticker, but it’ll be dark – nobody’s going to notice”</em>. The idea is slowly forming in your mind. You see the headlines before you <b>“Killer smack GP preyed on elderly”</b> . You’re working on the fact that he’s from Hyde and are hoping to achieve some kind of Jekyll and Hyde style pun. You already know that when The Sun get hold of the story, your story, they are going to run with <b>“Call him Mr Vein”</b> .</p>
<p><em>“Have you thought about the morality of all of this?” </em>pipes fresh-faced newshound Jenny.</p>
<p>You press on undaunted <em> “You’re a promising journalist Jenny, but there’s a few things you’re gonna have to learn if you want to succeed in this business. Morality doesn’t pay the bills. You’d be better off with a Standing Order” </em></p>
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