[sic] Magazine

TV’s Location Location Location to feature softcore erections

Cult TV show Location Location Location is to break new ground in property-based broadcasting by featuring a minimum of three fully fledged hard-ons and a semi in each episode.

Producers and commentators alike believe the change in format will bring renewed vigour to a flagging housing market with the spiced up version, dubbed “Location Second Viewing” , going out after the watershed. Though no actual nudity will be featured, tight-fitting clothing will leave viewers in no doubt as to the state of arousal produced in prospective buyers by the various properties on offer.

Presenter, Phil Spencer, was quick to welcome the move:

“This will give us more freedom as broadcasters. I remember showing off a Georgian mansion to a chap in his late thirties way back in series three. There was already a fair bit of slack in it as I took him up the driveway and by the time I got around to showing him period features such as cornices he was fully tumescent. Despite a successful sale, the whole episode had to be canned. “

“So often viewers at home are left in the dark as to a couple’s true impression of a house or flat. But if there’s one area of the body that never lies it’s the genital region. By featuring lingering shots of the crotch area as we pass from room to room viewers can gauge exactly what they think of it before I turn them flaccid with my idiosyncratic mispronunciation of the word “vendor”.

However, consumer groups believe the move represents an increased sexualisation of the show which began around series four when Spencer began referring to co-host Kirsty Allsop as ‘Kirsters’ and the pair were seen regularly holding hands prompting rumours that value of a three-bed semi in Winchester wasn’t the only thing that was going up fast .

And taking a cue from its rival, a revamped version of A Place in The Sun in which buyers look for enchanting second homes abroad is set to push the boundaries even further later this year, when a villa with a balcony overlooking the Med will inspire the world’s first property-induced cumshot in a 55 year-old man from Dorking.