[sic] Magazine

Priceless works by Harris among those stolen in Paris heist

Award-winning works by the international artist Rolf Harris have been stolen in the yesterday’s audacious heist, along with some other stuff by Matisse and Picasso.

Among those listed as missing are seminal works such as his ‘Two Little Boys’ which features two little boys and a painting of a kangaroo being restrained which is said by people who know a lot about art to ‘evoke the primal forces of nature which refuse to be subdued by man’s unquenchable desire for control but in this case lose out due to the rope being especially thick ‘.

The museum has recently undergone a million euro security makeover with many works protected by a vast array of lasers but it is thought thieves gained entry via a back door and then did that trick with the mirror.

The antipodean artist’s works can fetch huge sums on the international black market. Last year saw the disappearance of his meisterwerk ‘Self-Portrait’, a groundbreaking piece in which the artist had strived to graft his head on to the body of a kangaroo and then done a smiley face and all. It was wicked.

Henri Lafayette, a fucking big ponce who runs the museum, said: ‘Losing the Picasso wasn’t so bad. To be fair it wasn’t one of his best and it barely resembles a woman – where have you ever seen a pair of tits like that? But to lose a painting of Kangaroo’s importance is a real body blow, even if Rolf did knock it out in less than half an hour in front of a studio audience.’

Harris is known to be distraught at the theft of yet another of his sublime works and filming on an episode of Animal Hospital had to be suspended after he broke down in tears. Fortunately, the artist regained his composure after Jackie the border collie successfully delivered a litter of three puppies despite having had her head ripped off by a gang of thugs.

As a means of therapy, he has begun work immediately on another piece which to the untrained eye looked like a sunset in the outback but, in reality, it was impossible to identify its true character as insufficient time had elapsed since Rolf first put paint to canvas.

~All items in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as satire, parody or spoof.~